Thirteenth Summoning [Accidental Video] || Overworked and Underpaid

[knew_anyway]

[The feed clicks on to show Nat in his study- but unlike his public addresses, he's not sitting calmly at his desk, or even looking at the camera. Instead, he has his back to the device, reaching up to get a book from his top shelf.

His study is nothing short of painfully organized chaos. Stacks of books and loose papers seem to reach the ceiling. His walls are covered with chalk marks, very few of which are English. He has Japanese characters, foreign words, and even a hieroglyph or two- and of course, lots and lots of Latin interspersed, with dark, angry lines connecting words together or crossing sentences out entirely.

It looks very much like he's lost it, especially as he opens the book he'd just gotten, turning slightly so his face is profile to the camera. He hasn't slept in days, his hair is messy from the times he's ran his fingers through it, his shirt is untucked, tie loosened.

With a negative mutter, Nathaniel snaps the book shut and turns to cross out another line of foreign writing, letting the book drop to the floor by his feet in frustration.

He continues working tirelessly, unaware that he'd being recorded, until the feed shuts off.]



[[ooc: SOOOO to anyone who can speak a foreign language, the words he has written are all regarding names- names of deities in that language's culture mostly, but also little scrawls on statistics and probabilities and things relating to alternate worlds, dimension hopping, and Other Places.

I am JUST returning from being internetless as well, so all of Nat's, Rome's, and Regulus' tags will be done shortly <3 <3]]

Comments

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

I couldn't tell you where I was performing the summoning because I was trying to protect you from my mistakes, should they happen.

[His voice is filled with tension, a few seconds away from snapping.]

There are different types of secrets, Rei. I told you my name because I trusted you to keep a secret. My name wouldn't hurt you- you going to find the scientists would. I'd like to know whether or not you're going to risk your life in the near future.

[His hands tighten into fists.]

I care about you, and if something happened to you- if you didn't even tell me-

[flameandpassion]

[Rei is quiet, as Nathaniel speaks, watching with a difficult to read expression. She tries to keep herself more or less neutral, but her heart twists at the thought of making him worried, and how cruel it had been.

It's difficult, for Rei, to relinquish her own responsibility for her own ability to keep herself safe. She is her own person. There's no need to rely on anyone else to keep her safe. Her entire livelihood is wrapped up in being the blunt force behind the senshi. If Mars can't take care of herself, no one can.

She doesn't know what to say for a moment or two, caught off guard, before she sinks slightly into the couch.]

A soldier follows orders when they have to follow them.

[Quietly, and Rei's eyes are fixated on her PCD as she turns it over and over in her hands.]

I'm sorry I hurt you, but I didn't have a choice. If I had told anyone, it would have endangered the mission, and -- I wanted to tell you, and Cas, but I couldn't. You have -- no idea how hard I fought to want to tell people, but I couldn't. And even if I had told you, in secrecy, you both would have insisted on coming along, and you couldn't. The people in charge of the mission don't trust either of you. No matter how much I do.

[Her nails tap against the screen of her PCD a little nervously before she finally looks over at him, clearly upset, but firm, at the same time.]

Toushirou would rather die himself than put me in any amount of danger that I couldn't handle. And if I thought I couldn't handle it, I would have told you regardless of what I was ordered. I wouldn't go on a suicide mission and not tell anyone I care about.

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't have gone.

[He looks back at her.]

That's the difference between you and I. If you tell me not to go, I'll trust you to take care of yourself.

[But he turns back, shaking his head.]

Nevermind that. You spoke with the scientists? Do you remember exactly what they said about the animus?

[flameandpassion]

[She's silent, at that, stung, before she goes back to focusing on the PCD. She shouldn't have to justify herself. But she does, at the same time.]

-- I lost my mind when I saw the Animus, Nathaniel.

[It's soft, almost inaudible, as she scrolls through muted video of their journey underground, eyes fixated on the dark video, ignoring his question. It's meaningless, at the moment. The information will be made public by morning. And Rei is having difficulty caring over the rush of success when two of her closest friends are having difficulty talking to her without immense disappointment.]

I didn't want you to face that alone.

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

[He doesn't look at her- he doesn't want to. In the back of his head, he knows that she didn't mean any harm. He knows that she was just trying to navigate around her friends- all paranoid and secretive. It couldn't be easy.]

...I'm capable of handling myself. And even if I weren't, I'd rather go insane alone than drag you down with me.

[flameandpassion]

[She looks up sharply, at that, to stare at him, caught off guard. He would rather what than what? Did he seriously just tell her that? Her own safety wasn't worth insanity, no matter how important she supposedly was to anyone else.

She knows certain people, of course, that would. The senshi would, in a heartbeat. And she knows certain people in Adstringendum would, like Toushirou, or Castiel, but Nathaniel was different. She didn't want to even begin to focus on why he was different, because it was stupid, and thinking that way was stupid, but he was different, and being told that almost made her want to cry.

Luckily, Rei is Rei, and it takes a lot more than being told you were worth saving via insanity to make her cry, but she resumes her focus on the PCD, quiet. She doesn't know what to say to that save for a murmured:]

I can't make everyone happy. Someone is going to get hurt no matter what I do.

[And Rei tears her gaze away from her PCD to stare at him.]

I haven't told Usagi half of what I've been doing with the force. I can't tell Toushirou half of what I talk about with Castiel because he would try to kill him. And you have no idea what this is going to do to Cas when he finds out that I've helped you try to summon the Animus.

[If she tells, she hurts people. If she doesn't tell, she hurts people. Rei can't maintain all of the dearest people she has and keep everyone happy and whole without hurting someone else, not in this world. Nathaniel isn't the only one who is left out.]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

I know.

[He turns a little to look at her, sighing.]

I was raised among magicians. Secrecy is our nature, and if you tell the wrong person the wrong thing, it's a lot worse than hurt feelings.

[Nathaniel takes a deep breath. He's always been solitary- isolated from a painfully young age, unable to really rely on people or count on them for anything.]

Tell Castiel that you told me not to. And that you intervened only because you though I was going to get myself killed without you- which is pretty much the truth anyway.

[flameandpassion]

No.

[Rei shakes her head slightly, frowning to herself.]

If this goes wrong, I'm going to take my share of responsibility. I'm not going to lie to him and place the blame on someone else. That's going to hurt him more than leaving him out ever will.

[Castiel has so many trust issues as it was. She isn't going to be the one to make them worse.]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

[He shakes his head with a sigh.]

It doesn't matter. It's not going to go wrong.

[flameandpassion]

[She opens her mouth to argue -- because he can't know that for certain -- and her intuition is screaming at her that they're missing something -- but Rei closes it slowly, to close her eyes, to focus silently, before nodding to herself.]

-- the scientists are there because the Animus forced them out of the city. It fell to them.

[Quietly.]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

[He nods.]

Did they say why?

[It's easier to focus on this. Nat can't muddle through his emotions any easier than he can fly- but this? Spirits, tactics, politics, potential danger? He was an expert at this.]

[flameandpassion]

They've been trying to contact us about the Animus for months, I guess, but their communications have been down. They don't trust the Animus, for obvious reasons. I don't know how much I trust their intentions or their goals.

[She's quiet for a second or two as she keeps her eyes closed.]

I felt anxious around them.

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

The scientists? I don't blame you.

[He glances off.]

It's their fault that everything is this way to begin with. I don't blame the Animus for feeling anger toward them.

[flameandpassion]

I don't, either.

[Finally, Rei opens her eyes, but she's staring aimlessly at the wall. For as much Rei doesn't trust the scientists, or their goals, or what they said to all of them -- and for as much as she wants to punish them for the suffering they've caused -- something keeps sticking, in her mind.

They did not refer to the Animus as spirits, or gods, or creatures.

They kept referring to them as monsters.]

I'm afraid, Nathaniel.

[She doesn't quite mean to say that, but once she does, Rei doesn't take it back. Her fingers press together tightly as she lets out a breath, before her jaw sets.]

I need to see this through until the very end. I haven't been trapped here for a year and a half at their mercy for nothing. So -- when are you doing this?

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

You're not giving me another choice?

[He turns back, looking at her sharply. She'd just admitted that she was afraid, he knew that- he had to quell his bitterness and let it go. But still, her insistence to come along could complicate things, even if she did help him with the summoning.]

-I haven't found out its name yet. I won't know until then.

[flameandpassion]

It's a fire spirit of war.

[Even stare.

She's going.]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

[He stares at her right back for a moment, before shaking his head.]

Fine. But we need ground rules. This isn't some pompous djinn.

[flameandpassion]

Lay it on me.

[At once, without hesitation. Rei is all business.]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

[He nods, meeting her eyes, utterly serious.]

You are not to speak to it. You are not to step outside of your circle. And if I tell you to do anything, it must be obeyed. Do you understand?

[flameandpassion]

[She's quiet, expecting the rules, though Rei narrows her eyes slightly at it must be obeyed. Was he honestly giving her an order? Who did he think she was, an idiot? But she holds her tongue, because she is in no position to argue with him, and though she doesn't necessarily look happy about it, Rei nods slowly, to accept the terms.]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

Look, [he totally senses her apprehension] I'm trying to- I want to make this as easy and painless as possible. I don't... I don't want you to get hurt. As much as you are an expert on your element, nobody in this city knows as much about this method of summoning as I do. In order for me to feel like you can safely be there, you have to agree that you'll listen to me.

[His previous anger forgotten, Nathaniel is almost- pleading now.]

I can protect you to the fullest extent of my abilities if you do. Anything that harms you would have to go through me first.

[Nathaniel's eyes lower for a moment, and he reaches out, as if to touch her cheek, but loses his nerve halfway through, and merely brushes his fingers along her shoulder.]

-and I want it to be that way. Those are my conditions.

[flameandpassion]

[Rei is quiet, but carefully leans into the touch on her shoulder, before she sucks in a breath to look up at him, frowning.]

I agreed, didn't I?

[She still didn't look happy about it. But Rei's word was her word. She wouldn't break it, for however unhappy it made her. And the last summoning had gone well -- so there was no reason for her to be overly worried. Right?]

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

I know. You just don't look- pleased.

[He sighs, letting his hand fall back to his side but not quite pulling back.]

I'm trying to explain myself.

[flameandpassion]

Of course I'm not pleased. I don't want anyone to get hurt protecting me. Protecting people is my job, not the other way around.

[And Rei pushes herself up to stand, crossing her arms in front of her, to look up at him properly.]

But they're your rules, and if these are your rules, then I'll accept them.

[Rei purses her lips together slightly.]

I understand them, anyway.

[knew-anyway.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

[He smiles, a little crookedly, looking down toward the floorboards and rubbing at the back of his neck.]

You don't- always have to be a soldier. I know it's a role, and it's an important one, and one that you will always carry with you, but it's not... everything that you are. Maybe- [He's starting to flush now, oh boy.] -maybe when this is over, you can show me a different part of you.